My life is a series of dots

Please please please sway me to one side or the other. I have considered seriously penciling in my own name. Give me real reasons to vote for Obama or McCain please. All comments have been screened, so you can feel free to offer your real opinions.

I just got AC/DC tickets!!!!!! sweet!!!!

Well, the patient from yesterday, seems today to have not suffered any brain damage. She told me "I don't feel good today." I giggled and said, "You are feeling a hell of a lot better than yesterday." "No I don't." she replied. I giggled again, "You are going to have to trust me on this one. Yes you do." Mind you, I've become rather adept at reading lips. I find it funny when I ask patients that are on the vent to repeat what they've said and they just try to say what they already said LOUDER. Usually, I ask them to repeat themselves again, because I didn't understand it the second time and they try again even louder. It is either the third or forth time that I catch on to what they are doing. At that point I let the patient know, you can't speak louder for me, we need to use the first letter of the key word in your sentence, so I know what you need or want.

Anyway I digress. My patient, who will now be known as Missy for lack of a better name other than her own, tried to demand that her endotracheal tube be removed. I looked at her square in her face and said, "We've known each other for a while now. I'm going to see to it that you get better despite yourself. I will not, remove anything and futher more... I spoke to her as a true caring friend, one who has to tell the truth even if it hurts. I told it like it is, she cried but said she understood completely. I then said, "I know it sucks, and it isn't fair. The truth is your lungs are so sick that you are never going to be "all better". "The next time this happens more than likely you will not survive. Fact of the matter is, you are damned lucky we are able to have this conversation. You were down nearly an hour. We almost were not able to intubate you because of all the scar tissue in your trachea. You will leave here with a tracheostomy, and you will have it for the rest of your life. There are no ifs ands or buts about this, if you don't, the very next time you go into respiratory failure, you will die. The scar tissue is so bad now and will be worse next time, which means we won't be able to gain an airway. Do you understand what I am saying?" She said that she did. I told her doctors that I had had this conversation with her. When they talked to her they came back to me and said something along the lines that I must have made an impact on her, and they hope that it sticks this time. I hope so as well.

I do believe I have it fixed

I will get to a computer today to fix this messa. I even managed to delete me from my friendslist. Trust me that it isn't you that I was deleting,

Corrie and mike bare with me I have to get to a real computer so I cabare what the hell I am doing. I need to make a mental note to myself reminding me to never ever edit lj via my cell phone.

Oops I accidently deleted everyone off my friends list in an attempt to delete one individual. If I failed to add you back let me know please.

I may lose a few friends over this entry.  I did break up with Christopher, and I was completely done with him.  Something happened that I could never have imagined.  He and I made up.  I never thought in a million years he and I would ever make up, and ever get back on the right page, but he and I did.  We started to communicate in a way that needed to happen a few years ago.  I actually spent Christmas with him and his family, and my kids...Joey and Jason.  

We went to my parent's house for their yearly Christmas Eve open house.  Brett, Jason's dad, was there, and low and behold my Ex husband and his new wife showed up with their new baby together and the oldest daughter that Holly has, and Glenn might be adopting.  How weird is that setting?  Holly is so amazing, and I am so happy for Glenn to be married to her.  Tessa, their new baby is beautiful, and took to me right away.  Glenn was shocked that she didn't cry when I held her because apparently she cries when anyone other than her parents hold her.  I guess I still have the touch.  Chris actually likes Glenn, and says that he is a helluva nice guy.  Glenn is a nice guy, it just goes to show what the influence of a bad woman can do to a man.  We all had a wonderful evening together.

On Christmas evening we headed over to Christopher's cousin's house, for their holiday gathering.  Lots of good food and laughter was had by all.  I loved their white elephant exchange, and I especially love the gift I picked out.  The person I got my gift from had recently been incarcerated, and is dirt poor.  She bought a huge beer glass, and then burned three dvd's.  The glass probably came from the dollar store, and we know that the prices are for the dvr's.  What I loved was here this woman who probably didn't even have money to spend on her own child for Christmas came up with a way to participate.  I was touched by her effort and wanting to be included.  She is a very sweet lady, and I have talked to her several times and I still don't know what her name is.  There is just something about her that draws me to her.  

On New Year's Eve, Christopher and I were together.  We brought in the New Year in a low key way.  He and I stayed up and talked until 5am New Year morning.  He and I have been together more than we have been apart.  We have talked about the serious issues he and I have together, and we are actively working on them together.  He has given me the control to make sure he takes his medications properly, and we are once again talking about the possibility of marriage.  Now I am not going to hold my breath over the marriage possibility, as I am now not so sure that this is something I want right now in my life.

He has some screwed up thoughts over what love should feel like, namely that there is always those butterfly feelings, and I am under the impression that those butterfly feelings naturally disipate.  I have spoken to several different people over the butterfly feelings and I have heard arguments going both ways.  Honeslty, I don't know what the real answer is with that one.  

What I do know is, he and I are back were we used to be, and that is all I care about right now. 

This Journal is Now


FRIENDS ONLY!!!!!

This afternoon, Chris, Jason and I were headed off to get snowcones.  We were sitting in his truck waiting to turn left off of our street.  I looked to my right, only to see a dude literally walking like a penguin.  I sat and stared at him walking.  Then I noticed his pants were the cause of this issue.  The waiste of his pants were at his mid thigh level.  I kid you not!  Do girls (young girls) really find this attractive?  What ever happend to the swagger in a guys walk?  This guy reminded me of one my kids walking with their pants around their ankles, while trying to get to the bathroom before they have an accident..  I'd rather see a guy walk with a bump stroll in their step (which isn't an turn on for me either), than to see the dude (dud) walk like a penguin.

I think a song needs to be written, named...

Walk Like A Penguin. 

Here  is the definition of a sociopath.

Glibness and Superficial Charm

Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily. 

Monique, since I know you are reading this....how does it feel to look into a mirror?  I also want to add this....you are harrassing me and my family.  Marlene has forwarded all the emails you sent to her.  I also know for a fact that T didn't send them to her.  You got that name from here.  I am sure you can find another person to harrass other than me.  BITCH STEP OFF!

Remember a long time ago, when I told you all that i had given the hussy access to my live journal account?  I did it because I have nothing to hide, and to show her that I am a real person with real feelings.  LOL, I knew it would come back to bite me in the ass, and it did.  She found my real myspace account, and it had to be from this site she found it.  I briefly looked through here to see where she could have found it, but honestly, I haven't given it to much of an effort.  I know what the hussy has done, and quite frankly it was found out by accident.

Marlene and I were talking on the phone tonight.  She made a comment to me that Brandie had emailed her, saying something along the lines that I had written a nasty entry about her in my journal.  Well, Marlene is a friend on myspace, and I hadn't written anything negative about her there.  She went to her comp to tell me what Brandie had written....that was when Marlene read the link to this journal, with the name, REALITY BITES, as the sender.  UMMMM, hello, that is MONIQUE.  Monique couldn't have found Marlene unless she had found my other myspace account.

I have posted a warning to all my friends on that account, and I am posting a warning to all of you as well.  

Here is what is really sad....I thought that if you were newlywed, and pregnant....you had bigger and better things on your plate to deal with other than to harrass your ex boyfriends ex wife.   

 I will send handmade gifts to the first three people who ask for them in a comment here.   You have to give me 365 days to get it to you, though I don't think it will take that long.  And you have to be willing to post this same offer on your own LJ once you receive your gift. 

When I was born, I was given a last name, Ferguson.  Of couse I didn't know what my last name was when I was born so it didn't matter to me.  That last name didn't make me who I am today.  Eventually, something happened in my life, and last names seemed to matter.  My sister and I didn't have the same last name, and in all honesty I didn't even know it.  I beleive it was a kid who pointed it out to me, or maybe it was an adult.  No matter who did it, I was hurt.  They pointed out to me that I was different than the rest of my family, because my last name wasn't the same as theirs.

I think it was long about the third grade that my family got the jist of my feelings, because for some amazing reason my last name changed at school.  My last name became Armijo.  let's pronounce this  (Arm...rolled r, hard Y, ho), or as my dad liked it to be pronounced, ARMY, O.  Everyone asked me how to spell and pronounce my last name, and I grew to hate those two questions!  I had known the truth about my last name since I was in kindergarten.  Somehow my parents found a way around the rules, and changed my last name in the school system.  We all knew it wasn't legal, and my last name wouldn't be legal until I became 18.  It was only then that my mom would allow my Dad to legally adopt me and change my last name.  

For 18 years, I had no real attachment to a last name being my own.  Then I got married.  My last name once again changed.  MIller.  Two kids and eight years later, life happend...divorce.  Two kid that I gave birth to had a last name the same as mine, allbeit, a name that was given to me by my husband.  I can't tell you how offended I was at the notion of taking back my maiden name.  Why on earth would I separate myself again from my family?   Why would I separate myself  from the kids I created?

My youngest son has my last name as well.  I even asked my Ex, while I was pregnant if it would be ok to give my baby my last name.  The Ex said this to me,  "When I married you, I gave you my last name.  What you do with it, is completely up to you.  If  you give your new baby our last name, that is completely your right."  I didn't want my son to share the same issues with last names as I had.  He needed to fit in, and now he does completely.  Jason Allen Miller-Whitaker, and he has been given the option of changing his last name when he gets old enough.  Jason identifies more with Whitaker than Miller, but he knows he shares the same last name as his brother and sister, and loves it.  He understands his last name.  

I hope Jason keeps his last name just the way it was given to him at birth, two halves becoming a whole...Miller-Whitaker.  I always smile when I see his Daddy has labled Jason's things as Miller-Whitaker.....

The hardest idea I have to face IF I were to get married agian, is changing my last name again....   I am a Miller, this is who I am, and I don't have to tell anyone how to pronounce it or spell it.  My kids (all three of them) are Miller's.

Being a woman who has survived a failed marriage.  I know a lot about marriage.  

Commitment, means everything.  Being young, and whistful can and will destroy everything you know to be true.  The honeymoon will not last forever.

Looking for something better?

What are you going to find?  That honeymoon phase will end as well.

Oh, I know the passion is gone song and dance.  Well, the passion is going to leave.  The butterflies will certainly stop dancing in your belly. 

This is marriage in real life.  There are days where you are going to absolutely hate the site of your spouse.  There will also be days when the site of your spouse makes your knees knock and your legs weak.  There will also be the middle of the ho hum road where nothing happens, and it isn't like it was when you first met him/her.

Commitment, means something special.  You are willing to walk everyday with that person you vowed to love for the rest of your life with him/her by your side.

The honeymoon isn't going to last forever.  Marriage is work, hard work.  Marriage will never be 50/50, ever.  Marriage is an equalization of the other partner.  You might have to work harder to equalize your partner.  You may have to give 99 to his/her 1 to equal 100%.  I am certain that there will be times that your partner will have to give 99 to your 1 as well.  

Eventually, in time something magical happens.

When the two of you look back on all of "this" the history of your journey together, the amazement will happen.  The "We did it." Moment.  

When you have a child, or children.  Something else happens.  Your life is no longer about you.  Your life becomes your child or children.  The time to make yourself happy is before you have a child.  You have to sacrifice yourself for your child.  You can not put yourself in jeopardy just to  complete a life long dream.  Sometimes you can complete your dreams and be a parent at the same time.  Other times you shouldn't risk the chance of completing your dream.  You also can not put your wants in front of your childs needs. 

If the dream means you might put your own life at risk, and risk your kids being raised without a Mom or Dad, you just can't do that.

I have always had a dream of learning how to ride a motorcycle.  When I retire I want to ride cross country on a Harley, and definately not on the back of the Harley!  I want to be a leather laced biker chick!  My dream isn't dead, but it is put on hold for a long while.  I WON'T risk my life, while my kids really need me just because I have always had this dream to learn how to ride a motorcycle.  I am entitled to my dreams and goals, just like anyone else is.  

Because I chose to have three children, I am not entitled to fullfill that dream right now.  When you become a parent, you have the responsibility to do everything in YOUR power to keep yourself out of harms way in order to stay in your childs life if you have the choice.  

When you get married, life isn't just about yourself.  When you have children, life isn't just about yourself.  In both situations you HAVE to let go of yourself at times and do the job that needs to be done.  

An inherantly selfish person will not see this to be a truth.  A real wife and mother knows just how true what I have said is.

Take it to heart, and live it.  

I dare you to tell me in 50 years I am wrong!

 

Once Several Years Ago

 

One night  I had had a deep and soulful conversation with a dear friend of mine at the time.  She and I were talking about God.  She had been in and out of rehab, and while she was in her final rehab she became jealous of the other patients when they would talk about their spiritual enlightenment and finding God.  More than anything she wanted to find God, but for the life of her He never seemed to appear to her.  Lost and upset one night, she left her room to be alone.  She sat on a hill praying for God to show himself to her.  She sat on that hill and waited for a sign, any sign.  When it became evident nothing would happen so she gave up.  She got up distroyed at the notion that God didn't love her enough to show Himself to her, when she clearly needed Him the most, and headed back home.  Taking one last look over her shoulder to see if she had missed something, there she saw it.  In the stars, was a clear Cross in the sky.  Why hadn't she seen it before, she was certain it wasn't there before.  She was sure That was her sign.

She then went on to tell me that God shows himself to you everyday, you just have to ask and look for Him, because He isn't as obvious as the Cross in the sky. 

The next morning while driving to work at a place I dreaded, I said the same prayer I did everyday...for God to give me strength just to get through the day.  Then I asked for one last little thing.  I asked Him to show himself to me.  This was 6:30 in the morning, and it was still dark outside.  I was also driving 65 miles per hour.  Just before my exit, I saw God.  There he was, floating above my van, in the form of a child's balloon, hoovering just within my grasp.  It was so close I could have grabbed it, if I wasn't on the freeway.

Go see Death At A Funeral!!!!

I can't wait till I can bring Keira home.  She is 5 weeks old today, next Saturday, I officially have a new puppy!  For those of you who do not know, dachshunds are bundles of pure love!  McLovin, is going to end up mine, I just know it.  I can't wait!  I just want to love and kiss on Keira.  I am so sad for Chloe though.  She is so lonely, and definately needs a new home NOW!  I am not doing right by her, and I know it.  She is just to big for me to handle. 

Chloe

 http://search.petfinder.com/petnote/displaypet.cgi?petid=9292684

Saffy

http://search.petfinder.com/petnote/displaypet.cgi?petid=9250099

 Keeping with the movie theme, Timberlawn's name has been changed to McLovin!  Chris' couselor didn't like the name...she thought it was a negative reference for Chris.  I however felt it was a positive, but <lj user= "az_starshine"> reminded me of another great name for the new puppy.  What could be a better name for a pup, full of love and kisses?  McLovin RAWKS!

Last night I went to bed at simi normal time, 11:30.  I woke up at 5am ish.  I got up and showered.  Headed off to grab some breakfast for myself and someone else.

Dropped Breakfast off
Came home.
Cleaned my ass off.

There has been a mess in the house since the kids left August 15th

I killed 50+ dust bunnies (the majority of my house is not carpet)

Every dish in my house is clean

I cleaned out my 'fridge.

I mopped.  (all the noncarpeted areas)

I got some sweet loving :)

Picked up my son.

Gave Saffy, my labradoodle away :**(

It killed me to get rid of her, but I know I made the best decision for her.  I love her so much, and she deserves so much more than I can offer her.  One puppy down, one to go.  While I find this to be one of the hardest things I have ever done, I know this is the right thing to do, in finding new homes for my dogs.  I am just not cut out to be a big dog owner.  

This morning I will be looking at two litters of mini doxies, and I will maybe make a home for at least one of them, hopefully two.